


Becoming Alexander

by nukacola3



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AgentReign, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, Dysphoria, F/M, FTM Alex, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Self-Discovery, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:27:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nukacola3/pseuds/nukacola3
Summary: Alex wonders through figuring out his identity and transitioning with the help of Nia.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Samantha "Sam" Arias/Alex Danvers
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	1. Gym Accident

**Author's Note:**

> I am a trans male myself, some of these experiences are based off of my own. No trans experiences are the same. The first paragraph includes reference to self-harm so be aware of that. Also the first chapter includes the use of ace bandages and I am in no way endorsing that.

It was becoming too much. Alex couldn’t handle not having a binder anymore. Excruciating heat and he was forcing himself to wear hoodies due to dysphoria. He wasn’t out to anyone so he couldn’t ask for a binder. It was bad enough wearing hoodies in the heat but his mom made a point to always remind him of it. “I don’t understand why you wear those hoodies. It’s hot!” she would say. Sitting in the bathroom and staring at his recently healed scars. The cutting wasn’t working anymore, it wasn’t relieving his dysphoria. He needed something else. Reading over and over on countless websites about how dangerous binding with ace bandages is, but what other choice did he have?

  
Luckily, they had some in the cabinet. He took his shirt off and stared at his chest. It’s not supposed to be like this, he thought. Taking a deep breath, “You can do this. It’ll be okay.” He started to wrap the bandages around his chest, as flat as he could make it, but still able to breathe. Sliding his shirt back on, “That should be fine.” He thought.

  
For the first time in over 7 months, Alex didn’t wear a hoodie to school. And he was glowing. His mom teased him about it on the way out, but he just ignored it. 

  
“Did you forget a hoodie? I can go back and get you one?” Kara asked after they got into the car. 

  
Alex could see the concern in her eyes and wondered if it was obvious how much discomfort he was in. He shook his head, “No I’m okay. It’s hot today anyway.”

  
“It was hotter yesterday.” Kara wanted to say, but she let it go. Alex looked happier today and she didn’t want to ruin that.

  
Instead she said, “Excited to see Sam? She’s been talking about you nonstop over the weekend.”

  
“Really?” Alex smiled. He had a huge crush on Sam, and never imagined her having an interest in him. “Do you think she’ll come to the game tonight?” Alex was the star striker on the Midvale soccer team. 

  
“She might but you know, girls like to be asked to those things.” Kara said while snickering.

  
“Says the one who’s been eye fucking Lena for weeks now.” Alex snapped back.

  
“Hey! That’s not true. Lena is my best friend and that is all.” Kara said, but truly she was interested in Lena, just a little. Well, okay, maybe more than a little. But Kara knew Alex was struggling, with what she wasn’t sure, and didn’t want to make a big deal about her crush. 

  
Sam sat by Alex in Chemistry and decided then would be the best time

  
Obviously nervous, Alex said, “So as you know I play tonight and was wondering if you wanted to come watch. If not it’s totally fine no pressure. Maybe afterwards we could get ice cream. Again, if not that’s okay. I understand you’re a busy person.”

  
“Alex of course I want to go. You’re the best soccer player out there, even better than the guys.” Sam said

  
Alex’s heart dropped. Even with the binding, he wasn’t seen as a boy. He tried not to show it, but he was upset and his dysphoria was becoming significantly worse by the minute. 

  
“Oh, um, okay yeah. I’ll um I’ll see you then.” Alex said as the bell rang and he quickly made his way out of class. Not making eye contact with Sam.

  
Sam could tell she upset Alex. But how? She was the one who asked her. It didn’t make sense. But nonetheless she was excited for the game.

  
Alex made his way to gym. He hated gym and always wore sporty clothes to avoid the locker rooms. Nothing was worse than changing in a locker room, forced to be reminded of his birth sex. But he had gym with Nia, and she always seemed to make it better.

  
They were playing capture the flag and he was exceptional at it. Nia and he always dominated at any activity in gym. But today was more difficult because he had ace bandages on. He tried to play it cool but he was hurting and it was getting hard to breathe.

  
Alex missed an opening to break into the enemies territory. “What’s up with you Alex? Too busy thinking about Arais?” Nia said with a smirk.

  
“Uh yeah sure” Alex said, unsure of if he truly heard Nia. It was becoming too hard to breathe. He had to go into the locker room and take it off but he wasn’t sure if he could do it alone. He ran towards the locker room anyway.

  
“Hey Alex, wait up!” Nia called, unsure of where Alex was headed. 

  
She ran into the locker room to find Alex on the bench, hyperventilating. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? I’m here, Alex”

  
“ I can’t b-breathe” Alex struggling to say, tugging at his shirt hoping Nia would get the idea.

  
And Nia did. She wasn’t sure of what she was seeing, she didn’t want to be. Seeing what looked like ace bandages, Nia helped Alex take off his shirt. She was right; it was ace bandages. Extremely tight at that. Those were typically worn by trans men, Nia thought. Then she realized, today was the first day she has ever seen Alex without a hoodie and it clicked. Alex was trans.

  
Realizing Alex was still wrapped in the bandages, she helped him take them off. He turned around the instant all of them were taken off. Insanely embarrassed, hurt and hoping Nia didn’t recognize what he had on, he said, “Can you hand me my shirt please?” He continued to cough and catch his breath.

  
Nia just stood there for a moment. Fazed by everything she had learned and unsure of what to do she didn’t hear Alex’s request. 

  
“Nia, my shirt” Alex said a little louder, becoming more uncomfortable the longer his shirt was off. 

  
“Oh yeah. Here.” Nia said as she handed Alex his shirt. Still trying to process it all.

  
“I’m okay now you can go back out there.” Alex said, he needed a moment alone.

  
“You know.. I know what those are. They’re ace bandages and they’re typically worn by trans men. It’s okay if you are transgender but those are extremely dangerous Alex.” Nia said, trying to be comforting but also wanting to make sure Alex knew he couldn’t continue wearing them.

  
Shit, Alex thought, she knew. 

  
Well. Now was a better time than any to tell someone. He started crying. “I couldn’t wear the hoodies anymore. It was too much and it felt nice to have a flat chest.”

  
Nia’s heart broke. She knew the feeling of dysphoria and how detrimental it could be. “I know Alex, trust me I know. But those are really dangerous and can seriously hurt your ribs. I have my hoodie with me if you want it. It reeks of girl though.” Nia laughed, trying to release the tension.

  
Letting out a small smile, Alex lifted his head out from his hands. “I would like that. Thank you.” He said, almost a whisper.

  
Handing her hoodie from her locker to Alex, Nia said, “It’s okay you know, to be trans. I know it’s hard and it seems like no one would understand. I do and I’m here if you ever need to talk or have questions. I transitioned years ago and know quite a bit about trans boys as well.”

  
He put the hoodie on and took a deep breathe, not wanting to cry again. “It’s just. I don’t know how to describe the feeling of dysphoria to someone. How do I explain the utter feeling of disconnection from my own body? How to I explain the feeling of discomfort when receiving hugs and wearing anything but a hoodie? It’s too much Nia.” And he was crying again. “It’s all too much. I don’t wear anything but a hoodie and joggers. I make up an excuse every time Kara wants to have a ‘sister’s night’ because I can’t enjoy hanging out with her knowing she sees me as her sister. I adore swimming, it used to be one of my favorite activities. But how am I supposed to swim when I can barely handle seeing myself in a shirt? I don’t know Nia. I just wish I didn’t feel this way.” He looked up to see Nia crying too.

  
Slowly sitting next to Alex, Nia put her arm around him and said almost in a whisper, “I know Alex. I remember how it felt. I remember taking showers in the dark unable to look at my body. I remember dangerously tucking to avoid being outed. And even though I’m years into my transition, I still feel dysphoria. Not as bad as I once did, but it’s still there. It takes time to accept yourself and to come to love yourself as you are. I can get you a binder, my dad wouldn’t mind. I just need you to know that you have me and you have someone you can talk to. But you have to promise me no more ace bandages.” 

  
“You would do that for me? And I promise I won't use them anymore.” Alex couldn’t believe it. He was going to get a binder. A real binder. He hugged Nia so hard Nia thought she was going to break something.

  
“For sure. The trans siblings stick together.” Nia could see how happy Alex was. “But I want to ask, is Alex still okay? Or is there another name you prefer?”

  
Alex thought for a moment, the name didn’t really bother him. He liked being called Alex. Although he did hate Alexandrea. “I like being called Alex but my full first name is Alexander.” 

  
“Alexander it is.” Nia hugged him again.

  
_Alexander_. He liked the sound of that. 


	2. The truth comes out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, I apologize. Many things have been happening in my personal life and I simply couldn't find time to write. I realized I had put "Alexandrea" instead of "Alexandra" in the first chapter and I corrected it in this one. As I said before, this is based off some of my experiences and no trans experiences are the same. I appreciate comments and feedback. Anyway, behold chapter two.

Numb.

  
That’s all Alex felt from the events that occurred earlier that day. _How could he have been so stupid?_ And now someone knew. It was a weird feeling: finally having someone know that you’re trans. It’s like a breath of fresh air and a punch to the gut all at once. He was too consumed with his own thoughts to realize Sam had been trying to get his attention. 

  
“Hey Alex, you alright? I’ve been calling your name since I walked out the doors. I heard what happened in gym and wanted to know if you were okay.” She didn’t know much, but she knew Alex loved gym and would never have ran out. Sam hoped Alex would tell her what was really going on, but didn’t want to pressure.

  
His heart sunk. _She knew? How much did she know?_ He decided asking was the easiest way find out, he didn’t want to overshare if she didn’t know what all took place. “Oh, what all did you hear by chance?” He thought his heart would beat out of his chest. 

  
Sam could tell something happened that Alex was scared of her knowing about and didn’t want to make Alex anymore uncomfortable. “I heard Lena telling Kara how she saw you look like you were going to pass out and then ran out of the gym with Nia. Did something else happen? You can talk to me, whatever it is, but if not that’s okay too.” Curious and caring but not overstepping. 

  
Alex didn’t want to do this now. He had only just told Nia and it wasn’t exactly by choice. “Oh, um, I’m not sure, I felt light headed all of a sudden and didn’t want to pass out on the court, so I decided to run to the locker room.” Attempting to not make eye contact and hoping Sam wouldn’t ask anymore questions, Alex said, “So are you still coming to the game tonight? I might just score a goal.” He made eye contact with her for the first time in their conversation and smiled. 

  
_I love your smile_ , Sam thought. She definitely wasn’t convinced of Alex’s story, but didn’t want to press the issue. “I will make sure I’m there, but if you don’t score I’m not so sure I’ll be available for ice cream after.” She said blushing.

  
“Oh, a challenge I see? Wrong choice Arias.” He was very interested in Sam and knew he would have to tell her at some point for a relationship to work out between them, but wasn’t sure how or even if she would like him after knowing. 

  
“Gross. Quit it with the flirting!” Kara yelled as she walked up to the car. 

  
“You sure managed to take your time today, I guess it was Lena?” Alex smirked, he knew that would make Kara flustered.

  
And it worked. She immediately turned bright red. “We are just friends Alex! Now get in the car so we can go home.” 

  
Sam was laughing, “You really like picking on her don’t you?” 

  
“How could I not? She gives me so many opportunities.” He was laughing as well. “Anyways, be prepared for ice cream Arias.” 

  
\--------------

  
It was quiet ride home, which was rare for the Danvers. “I assume Lena told you what happened.” Alex said finally breaking the silence.

  
Kara cleared her throat. “I did. Nia wouldn’t say anything about it, do you want to talk about it, Alex?” She really hoped Alex would talk about whatever has been going on. And she noticed Alex was now wearing a hoodie and was in an opposite mood than in the morning. 

  
He wasn’t sure. He loved Kara, trusted her more than anyone, and knew she would accept him, but was still very terrified. What does this mean for us? He thought.

  
Alex always struggled with his identity growing up, who he was and how others perceived him. It never truly felt right when Eliza would say _Alexandra_ or call him her _daughter_ but he never could understand why. Something always felt out of place, especially when he went through puberty. He began wearing hoodies to hide his undetermined discomfort. Growing breasts and having a period never did sit right with Alex. It felt alienated, like this isn’t how things are supposed to be. Almost worse than enduring the utter discomfort was not having the words to express it. How does one simply say _their body doesn’t match their brain?_ He never even heard of the word transgender until meeting Nia and she was so open about it. Alex overheard her talking to Kara about it and describing how it felt and, although it was switched, he knew he felt the same way. 

  
After he heard that conversation, he researched for hours everything and anything he could possibly find on people who were transgender. The typical “Am I transgender? Quiz” He read somewhere that in order to be 100% sure that you’re trans, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say it. He tried for days, anytime he began to say it, he would cry. The truth was, Alex hadn’t truly accepted himself and it was going to be hard until he did. 

  
Eventually, a few months later, he was able to look in the mirror and say “I am transgender” and he cried. It was a weird and overwhelming feeling, knowing exactly who you are and why you felt that way for so long. He wondered if Kara could relate to the feeling of not knowing your identity. Alex was sure she could but didn’t know how to tell her and really couldn’t handle all the questions that she would have.

  
He decided to simply tell her the truth, he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Kara understood, she was concerned about Alex, as always, but respected that he wasn’t ready to talk about it. 

  
\--------------

  
In his own zone, Alex was running drills before the game when he heard Nia call out his name.

  
“Hey, I wanted to come check in on you before and to make sure you’re feeling and breathing okay.”

  
Truthfully, he hurt pretty bad, but soccer was everything to him and he wasn’t going to skip the game. “I feel okay, my ribs hurt quite a bit, as long as I don’t get hit to the ground I’ll be alright.” 

  
Nia didn’t quite believe him, she had heard how bad the after effects of using ace bandages were but knew she wasn’t going to talk Alex out of playing. “Yeah, right.” She huffed. “Try to stay out of contact and ice later okay? Also I wanted to let you know I need to measure you before I can order a binder so I know it’s not too tight. I’m free tomorrow after school if you are.”

  
Just the thought of getting a binder made him ecstatic. “I definitely will, promise. And yes, that will work for me.” He was glowing with anticipation. 

  
“Okay, sweet. In case you were wondering, I didn’t say anything to anyone about what happened. Kara and Lena questioned me but whether they know or not is up to you, not me, to decide.” 

  
He hugged Nia, “Thank you, that means a lot.”

  
“For sure, kiddo.”

  
\----------------  
As the game was about to kickoff, Alex looked up and saw Kara, Lena, Sam, and Nia all had cutouts of his face on them. “Oh dear god” he thought. 

  
He managed to score two goals and an assist, which meant ice cream with Sam. 

  
Quickly changing out of his uniform, he left to find Sam. “Hey showoff, all I said was score one not drive the whole game.” He heard Sam say as he finally found her. 

  
“What can I say? I warned you not to challenge me.” Alex said with a smirk. 

  
Kara, Lena, and Nia all told him great game as they went their separate ways, well, as Nia went her own way. 

  
“Still up for ice cream, Arias?” 

  
Sam was blushing. “I mean you did manage to score a goal, so I suppose I owe you a date.”

  
A date. He had never called it that and knew he had to tell her if something romantic was going to come out of this.

  
“Yes, a date. I was thinking we could walk there, I want to talk to you about something if that’s alright.” He was rubbing the back of is head, obviously extremely anxious. 

  
Sam grabbed his hand, “It’s okay, Alex. Whatever you want to talk about I’m here for you.” 

  
He felt a little calmer as he was now holding her hand, but Alex was unsure of how to start it.

  
“So, you know how Nia is transgender?” He asked, trying to breathe, which was incredibly painful at the moment. 

“Yes, I do.”

  
He stopped in his tracks, he was attempting to go over every possible way he could tell her and he was having trouble with words. “I um well I”

  
Sam held his face in her hands. “Alex, it’s okay. Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”

  
Alex felt a surge of confidence run through him and decided he needed to speak before he lost it. “I’m um I’m not sure how well I’ll be at answering questions but I really do have strong feelings for you and if a relationship is going to happen then there’s something you need to know. I’m trans, like Nia.” He was holding his breath and staring at the concrete beneath him, not wanting to see Sam’s reaction.

  
“So, you’re a boy?” Sam asked

  
He took a deep breath, “Yes. I understand if you don’t want to go on a date with me anymore.” Alex still wasn’t making eye contact and was trying to keep his emotions together. 

  
“Hey, look at me.” Sam said in the most soothing and quiet voice.

  
Alex looked up at her hesitantly. 

  
“It’s okay that you’re a boy. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. It might take me a couple weeks to get the pronouns right but I don’t see any less of you.”

  
And he was crying. Sam just hugged him. 

  
“It’s okay, Alex. I’m here.”

  
He stepped back and wiped his tears. “Sorry about your shirt.” Alex said while laughing.

  
“It’s alright, I think the tear stains add a nice effect.” 

  
“It’s um, it’s Alexander by the way. You can still call me Alex, that’s fine but I figured you should know my full name now.”

  
“I think that suits you very well, Alexander.” Sam smiled as she held his hand again. “So what do you say, ice cream now?” 


End file.
